I’ve suddenly realized that I’ve had some serious “what’s next?! syndrome” since settling into our beautiful home and life in Astoria.
My Lofty Manifestation List
I have all these lofty manifestation lists, with everything from transforming McClure Park into a playground for kids of all ages to being elected V.P. so we can finally create some hope. I’ve thought about leading tours up the column and around this town that I’ve fallen in love with, I’ve dreamt of a massive renovation of basement level to create a day spa and/ deluxe vandrehjem. I’ve imagined building a cooperative outdoor program bringing family-friendly yoga to the North Coast. I’ve also felt a deep calling to return to climate change activism.
Yet, in my day to day reality, I’ve been in limbo. Both in awe of the life I’ve created and bewildered by the fact that I have already manifested a flipping amazing lifestyle. It honestly makes my prayers feel feeble. I’ve also been adrift.
After making bank on our house in Portland, I essentially spent it all, plus another $20k.
I spent like money was flowing in, only it wasn’t. Once the reality of our debt really started to sink in, I continued to justify our lifestyle, and was too scared to be truthful. I downplayed the impact it would have and ignored the consequences. I’ve sabotaged my marriage, and questioned my self-worth. I’ve felt like it would be impossible to find a fulfilling high paying job, and still desperately want to be successful on my own.
Instead of being practical and honest with myself, I’ve escaped by getting high, reflecting spiritually, and dreaming dreams that feel impractical given my current resources.
Braver Then Ever, But
I’ve been braver than ever before, as a result of layers of personal epiphanies. My breakthroughs have been profound, and yet I’ve still held a deep inner doubt.
Not long ago Miel called me on the pattern of saying for the past few years now that I’ll make money a few months from now, hence my perpetual lack of personal cashflow. But, more importantly, this lack of resources has made me feel like my dreams are just out of reach, limiting my daily actions toward them. Compelling me to apply for jobs because we need money yesterday.
What I Want Next
And, yet, what is next? I’m ready to create both very personal and professional blog. I want to share my story/stories, my struggles and my bliss. I want to write for myself and not for a niche. I want to grow spiritually as I become financially free. I want to transform my garden, raise our beautiful children, and restore our dream home. I want to help put Astoria on the map and reconnect with Denmark. I want serve through rotary, and be a generous peacemaker. I want to simplify and beautify. I want to treat my body like a temple and tap into my highest potential. I want to give the best of myself and simply be myself.